Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Virtually Jenna

Ever fantasize about arranging porn stars in compromising positions and prodding them with foreign objects? Enter Virtually Jenna, the sex sim that allows players to "manipulate" a computer-generated Jenna Jameson and her real-life friends. The resemblances aren't exactly striking (Beware virtual Jenna's freakish eyebrows!), and the repetitive voiceovers are a downer ("Play with me. Play with me."), but the simulated jiggle is right on. For those with distinguished tastes, there's even a "Pimp My Pussy" mode.

Players can interact with characters alone or in pairs, in a choice of rooms ranging from predictable to outrageous. Female characters also come with a wide range of kinky clothing options. But the game's beefiest feature is its toys: whips, butt-plugs, a rainbow of vibrators. Trouble is, things can get a bit absurd; beer bottles hover above nipples, disconnected penises float across the screen. Let's not even start on the double-sided tongue.

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Virtually Jenna proclaims itself "the best fucking game ever." Unfortunately, the intercourse mechanic is just plain awkward. It's nearly impossible to simulate sex that doesn't look like a stabbing. The development team does issue regular updates, though, so maybe a better fucking game is on the way.

Beyond the game: Virtually Jenna wags a judgmental finger at homoeroticism. Girl-on-girl action is encouraged, but guy-on-guy is forbidden, as is playing with men. Not to mention the abominable selection of male clothes. And to make things worse, there's the matter of the cum shot: Girls can get coated, but the same substance refuses to stick to guys.

Worth playing for: The chance to watch two identical Jenna Jamesons (one blonde, one brunette), in full masquerade gear, going at it on top of a gold-plated piano in pseudo-Versailles. What are the odds?

Frustration sets in when: Swapping participants, or even just rooms, means exiting back to a main menu and sitting through yet another round of mind-numbing load times—enough to kill any player's mojo.

Final judgment: As masturbatory aids go, there's got to be something sexier you can do with $29.95 a month.