VAN NUYS, Calif. – The ongoing bout between Apple Inc. and the adult industry continued to heat up today as [name of idiotic company redacted] announced the launch of iTouchHer, a new adult web-app for the iPhone that offers a series of humorous, porn-related games.

My first instinct is always to delete press releases before their slimy, corrosive ooze has a chance to destroy my email, but sometimes these press releases have valuable lessons to teach us. For instance, I had no idea that Apple was in some kind of protracted, sweaty fencing match with the adult industry, but now I do! Thankfully, someone out there is ready to take on Apple in the name of a cause as worthy as humorous porn-related games. It's really a natural fit, because when people think "porn" they think "I'd like to watch that on a tiny screen, in the form of a stupid game that is so life-draining and awful, I run to the nearest hardware store, and crush my iPhone in a vise just to make sure that game is dead."

In short: This can't miss!

 “We wanted to create a web-app that would not only appeal to the typical adult consumer, but also to the gadget-hungry Gizmodo and Engadget crowd,” said Lea Busick, subscription site and affiliate program director. “With that in mind, it didn’t take us long to decide to create a game application with a variety of sexy and funny games that iPhone users can get a kick out of playing and then share and compare their scores with others by posting the results to social networking sites like Facebook, Twitter and MySpace.”

Sure. Because there's nothing that people like bragging about more than how desperately lonely and unfunny they are. Sample status update: "My iTouchHer score is 8000! I haven't been outside in four days, I don't remember what people look like, and I'm pretty sure my iPhone has herpes! Beat that."

That's why iTouchHer is such a bold choice of name for this app. The adult men who would buy it have definitely never touched a woman (though they've possibly touched a Real Doll, or a mannequin in the lingerie department at JC Penney). Won't they just think this game is mocking their total lack of sexual contact with another person?

The launch line-up of games includes dubiously titled tongue-in-cheek entries such as “Tranny Hunter”, along with more traditional progressive photo set viewing, like “Lesbian Seduction” and  “3 Way Touch.” There will are many more games to come, as well.


Tranny Hunter? Yikes. Is it too late to change "tongue-in-cheek" to "nightmarish on every level"? They're right, though: "Tranny Hunter" is a pretty dubious title for a game that's supposed to be humorous. But at least they're doing something progressive like "Lesbian Seduction" in order to make it up to humanity at large.

I can't wait to see what their other hilarious games will be. Maybe "Jerk-Off Clock" or "Irresistable Horse" or "Sexy Gay Bash." Fun.

See, this is why we can't have nice technologies. Just look at the terrible ways we treat them. Someone should come up with an iTouchHer Detector app, a loud blaring siren that will go off whenever you're in the vicinity of a sub-human who has downloaded iTouchHer. For easy creep avoidance!